In a Gown Fit for the Ball I Dance in the Gutter
Author: by God's design // Category: InspirationalI have struggled a lot lately with my personal role as Daughter of the King and my status as a Princess as a result of that family membership. The princess struggle for me is not new, however. The princess stories were never among my favorite as a child. I was never ever really girly – except I did occasionally play with dolls or barbies. It’s not that I was a tomboy really – though I’ve always much preferred to play with boys. (They just never cared to play with me except the occasional snow ball fight or game of four square at recess – or if they needed someone to beat in basketball or at chess.) I spent a great deal of my time as a child in my own head. If you know me, you can guess how dangerous my playtime could be – lol!
I didn’t need tangible playthings or stories about princesses to fill my time. I constructed would-be real life scenarios in my head – my dreams where in my future I was making a difference in some way or another. Sometimes on pretty grand scales – which really, is not my style. I don’t know where that came from. But most of them time, it was in powerful yet simple ways. One of which predominantly played a part was that somehow I would manifest a healing touch. This was so way out of my context, I probably felt like it was more of fantasy than a dream that could ever become a reality. It may also be a reason for wanting to become a doctor in my youth until I learned how much science I would have to take. Once I hit Mr. Rush’s chemistry class, I knew that dream was done and gone.
The challenge was presented to me this week to think about the story of Cinderella. Most all of us probably know the story. We often ask where our fairy godmother is when we need her? In fact, I have a mug that asks that very question! Many relate to the story of Cinderella because we feel the connection to her – living with the struggles that her step mother and step sisters represent – that scream the ever-present reminder that life just isn’t fair. But by some mistake or coincidence, Cinderella finds her way to the ball. The one never expected to ever even belong at such a gala – and certainly not the one to capture a young prince’s heart.
And as most stories of these types go, she lives happily ever after. Another cynic like myself make the observation, “Yeah, but they don’t tell you what happened 6 months later…” I chimed in, “When PMS sets in!” And the cynic continued, “Yep, when Cinderella is a bitch!”
Or maybe it’s just plain sad. 6 months later, Cinderella still just doesn’t believe that she is worthy of her new princess status. It turns out she has believed all the lies that her step family told her. The princess still sees herself on hands and knees scrubbing the floors and doing other household chores instead of accepting that her status has changed.
My status has changed. And changed again. And again. And again. Once my God. The rest by me. In my context today, when I think about a “changed status” I immediately think of Facebook where you can give “status updates” as many times as you want to annoy friends in their news feeds with your update of eating breakfast, craving a drink from Sonic, menial household chores, etc. (Yes, I among the annoying though I do try to make my status’ a bit more exciting from time to time when something in life inspires me to.)
God changed my status – elevated me to “Daughter of the King.” Not “a king” – THE KING! God Almighty Himself! But I have never felt worthy and therefore truly accepted such a status.
Not for lack of trying.
But instead of gazing into the amazing looking glass that stares back at me with the clear beautiful view God has of me; I gaze into something akin to drainage water running in a gutter. The gunk of mud and muck and germs and waste that God’s rain is washing away. Probably because I have my eyes on my feet instead of my Lord. And then I am swept away – I get lost in this gutter – Satan having tricked me into believing that this is my true mirror – not the one that God has set out for me. I see my mud and muck and waste that has been my life instead of seeing the beauty that is my potential.
I continue to pay high prices for some mistakes I’ve made in my life. Crisis pregnancy at age 21 that ended in the ultimate surrender of my newborn son for adoption. The day I left the hospital without him was the day I stopped believing in happy endings. In the last year, I have had the amazing opportunity to meet my son and get to know a little bit about his life and his amazing family – God was so good to take care of him when I could not. This journey has also presented other complications surrounding it that I never really foresaw or was prepared to deal with – effectively, adequately, etc. So, it continues to be a journey – much easier that time has gone by and healed wounds, helped me mature at least to some degree, and have me at a place where I am better able to handle everything involved.
I have a divorce in my history – something I thought I would never have. Even when it was the right/best thing to do – it still a scar that I know will never heal and will forever be apart of my life.
I am in second marriage now – been married for 8 years. 6 months into our marriage we experienced extreme loss and grief and we were unable to handle it or absorb it into our lives in healthy ways. I won’t spend my time pointing at all the ways I was failed by my husband during that time but rather focus on how I failed – and it included an affair. Yet one more piece of baggage in my history that neither my husband nor I have been fully equipped to deal with effectively or in healthy ways.
And I find myself at a time in my life now where I am weary. It is evident now that my marriage will probably never overcome the mistakes that I have made. The affair is just too big, too deep of hurt for us to get past. I am truly scared of what my future holds. Kevin tells me that he will honor his commitment, wants to stand by the kids, etc. But his words to me this week cut me to the core when he told me when he is tempted to leave he thinks that he is “used to me and my habits” – why would he want to start over with someone else now? Yet he also doesn’t want to be stuck in a passionless, miserable marriage – and neither do I. So where do we go from here? I don’t have an answer. I haven’t had an answer for some time. We keep ending up back at this same place… I’m weary. We are both weary. Both hurt.
Tonight I wondered what habits… Does he think my affair is a habit?
I am experiencing an overwhelming feeling of disconnect right now. I own feelings from being swept away in the gutter about myself that I can’t just make go away: undesirable, unwanted, completely disregarded, not needed, a failure, a disappointment, without direction, ugly, forgettable, anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, invisible except for maybe the big Scarlet Letter I carry across my chest; the list goes on. I’ve dealt with depression before – and this is not depression. This is distorted reflection of lies that Satan would have me believe. This is what happens when I gaze at my feet too long and am drawn in by the murky waters that are washing away in a steady stream all of the things I listed above and more.
I should instead be focusing on God’s mirror and see – and believe – the image looking back at me- the one with all of that negative energy and emotion having been washed away.
What a fool I can be! God gave me this amazing fairy tale dream come true – a role to play in His great Story! He wrote me a Scarlet Letter – in his blood – His promise of hope and eternal life and grace and forgiveness… An amazing outpouring of gifts just for me. What a coincidence! That is my love language! How did he know?
And what do I do? Dance in the gutter in all of the “Stuff” that He is washing away & get totally swept away and immersed in. I will fail. I will lose a battle or two or three or a hundred. But the war is already won while I am focusing on my failures. If I continue to do so, I will fail to get even a glimpse in God’s mirror of the amazing woman He believes me to be.
God give me that glimpse. Help me find the strength and the wisdom and the courage to find my way back to “connected.” With home. With people. With You.
(As soon as I can find my way clear of this murkiness, I hope to be back on paths of dreams, designs, and so on. Please stay tuned!)
