I was 21.  I had dropped out of the Christian University I was attending but still associated with it through friends.  The birth father attended there as well.  My last semester in college was chaotic as best. I couldn’t decide what to do with my life.  I was unhappy with my major.  I despised the required courses that I would never use again.  I was the victim of a violent rape when I was 19 that I not only hid from everyone but my boss at the time; but I also never reported it and never got help.   So, I was sinking into a depression that changed me as a person.  The only bright spot in my life was the guy that I was dating.

The first day of semester classes he saw me across the room and later asked the friend I was talking to who I was and for my phone number.  I will never forget when she asked me if she could give my phone number to this guy in that class.  I had no clue he was.  I had learned though to never turn down a date because I never knew when someone might surprise me.  Anyway, so he called me that night and I knew right away he was different than any other guy I’d ever known or dated.  He suggested we not actually meet until our date on that Friday night – so I had a week of class (and this class we were in met daily –but it was a big class) and he called me every night that week.

We dated through the rest of the semester.  It ended in early December.  The most memorable thing about it was that initially – those first few weeks are probably the happiest I’d ever been.  He talked about love and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me before he ever kissed me.  Ummm… yeah… in my history to that point – or since – no experience ever came close to that.  That just didn’t happen.  I remember a conversation I had with him where I told him I was raped and if he wanted a virgin bride – I was not it.  And I fully expected that night for him to cut me loose – and he told me he wasn’t interested in my history but our future.

What no one realized at this point – is that having to admit to the rape brought up a ton of unresolved issues with me because of the context of the rape and how it came about – and the guy I had been dating at the time and so on.  This conversation – as redeeming as it may have seemed on the surface for this amazing depth of grace and forgiveness and love that expressed – just having to have the conversation triggered the onset of depression.  I had no clue what was going on with me.  No one else even realized it.  My fierce independence and fire for life quickly dissipated.  It was replaced by fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, dependence, bitterness, anger, deep hurt, etc.   So, I clung to and depended on the only person who had any meaning for me in my life at the time.  I can’t even begin to imagine the number I must have done on him.  And he’s been so gracious enough not to tell me in depth (thank you btw) – but I think his casual observation of “psycho girlfriend from hell” even falls short of what he had to deal with from me during the last few weeks before it ended.  My depression caused unreasonable and insurmountable insecurity so I did everything I could to hang on to the only good thing in my life and ended up driving him away.  I forced the first kiss and within a very short time it progressed into a sexual relationship – killed off everything else that had been so good about “us” – my need to be needed and affirmed in unhealthy ways to treat a depression I didn’t realize I was in choked the life out of him and our relationship, etc.

I spent so much time angry at the so-called friend who went after him when we were still dating (and I still don’t trust most female friends today as a result of this) I never even realized how easy I made it for him to want to run to her at the first opportunity.  When I learned about her and figured out he was lying to me about seeing her, etc I confronted him… and when he refused to engage with me (and I don’t blame him – I wouldn’t either) – I ended it… In a very public and humiliating way… for me.  Sigh.  Crying, running off – a total basket case now totally void of anything of value in my life – I had the even more heart breaking experience of running into my “said” friend who stopped me to ask me what was wrong.  I knew she didn’t give a damn about me – she was just hoping for the news I gave her which was:  “He’s all yours.” And I left.  At the same time, I had turned to another friend of mine who was helping me work through all this “stuff” in my life I didn’t understand.  She was helping me uncover depression and figure out how to deal with it.  She was an older friend who I valued as a mentor.  She was killed in a car wreck during this same time.  I was totally lost – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. I quit school and got a full time job.  I had lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of anger over everything – the rape, the loss of such a precious relationship, the loss of my friend, the loss of my grandfather earlier in that year, etc.  So, I worked 8-5, went home, napped for a couple of hours, grabbed something to eat and went out and came home about 4 or 5 am every morning for about three to four months.  I had a core group of friends I trusted and we did this every night.  Not always everyone – every night – but pretty much the same people from a pool of people.  Drank. Partied. Worked. I sometimes think I’m still trying to catch up on all the sleep I lost during that time.  Then as fate would have it in this story – I came across “the guy” – the one I’d lost back in December.  He was working where I grabbed lunch one day.  He asked me if he could call me.  He did.  If memory serves- we talked all night and I really ticked off a couple of roommates at that time (this was long before the age of cell phones being the norm!).  We were able to step back and kind of see some ways we went wrong.  We thought we might try it again.  I remember bargaining with God – please let me have this chance to get this right and I’ll give up the partying life I’ve been living.  I never asked and he never volunteered that he might still be dating my former friend.  I think it took a few weeks for our schedules to mesh… I remember a Kiss concert messing up plans… Funny the things we remember.  Eventually twice we were able to get together but things quickly went to where we left off.  This really wasn’t what either of us wanted in how things played out at the time.  He started avoiding me and stopped taking my calls and I quit calling.  I kept my bargain with God.

I found out I was pregnant and within a week or so, found out he was engaged to my former friend.  It felt like the same day but as I think back – it wasn’t.  I specifically remember the first happening on a Saturday morning and the latter happening on a Thursday or Friday night.  I know it was following a Wednesday night in which she showed my friend her ring and talked about her engagement knowing full well this friend would be telling me her news.  My friend was with me when I learned I was pregnant.  She broke the news to me that this guy had got engaged – not even realizing that he was the father of the baby she knew I was pregnant with!  The fact is, I told no one knew who the birth father was.  And I had told no one that I had even seen him a couple of times.  So none of my friends had a clue who the birth father was when I told them I was pregnant!

I went to a “free” place to have my pregnancy test done.  But I can tell you it wasn’t “free”  – it was emotional blackmail.  I would love nothing better than to see all places like this shut down.  I took the test and then even after insisting that abortion was not an option for me, was forced to watch a violent, graphic video of abortion and force fed fact after fact about it.  Then told I was pregnant.  As if the video wasn’t traumatic enough.  And sent on my way.  I had nightmares for years of that video.  I had planned not to tell the birth father of my pregnancy.  I was going to just deal with it on my own and being an adoptee, placing the baby for adoption seemed to be a viable option for me.  I didn’t think I could hide it for a long time so I had planned to go home for a weekend and tell my parents that I was pregnant.  I knew this would be difficult for them and planned for just about every response they could have to this news except one:  The one they gave.  If I didn’t have an abortion and never speak of it again; then I would be disowned.  Oh, and they also insisted I tell the birth father or they would hunt him/his parents down and deliver the news themselves.  It never occurred to me that they were saying this out of pain and I could have just said I told him and didn’t or that they would never actually follow through with that threat.

In a side note here:  My parents came around.  They put me through counseling.  Wouldn’t allow me to come back to my hometown in fear of what I’d deal with from conservative friends, etc.  Their biggest fear was that I would not be strong enough to get through the pregnancy.

So, I called him… And called him… And called him.  Like I said before – he had stopped taking my calls.  I finally got a hold of him and asked him to meet me in person and he refused.  I really did not want to do this on the phone but he gave me no choice.  I was ready to get this over with.  So, I told him I was pregnant.  He can probably tell you how I did this because he remembers this conversation like it was yesterday – I don’t know if I just came out and told him or worked my way into it – I don’t remember that part.  But I do remember how the rest of it went.

Birth father: “Is it mine?”

Me (even more pissed off):  “Yes.”

Birth father: “Would you have an abortion?  I would pay for it.”

Me (thinking “He knows me better than this!”):  “No way.”

Birth father: “I knew you’d say that but I had to ask.”

Me:  “Yeah well…”

Birthfather:  “So, do ya wanna get married?”

Me: “Do you love me?”

NO answer.

Me:  “That’s what I thought.  Marriage is hard enough without this kind of circumstances.”

Birth father: “So, what are you gonna do?”

Me: “Probably going to place for adoption.”

I swear I heard a sign of relief on the other end of the conversation!

Birth father:  “I’ll try to be here for you to…. (pause)… go to appointments or whatever.”

Me: “Really?”

Birth father:” Yeah, just call me.”

Me: “Yes, because that works so well for me now.  Well, my parents told me tell you and now you know so I’m gonna go.”

Click.

I knew when I hung up I was on my own.  I can’t say the conversation went any different than I expected – almost as if on automatic pilot from the Boyfriend’s Guide to Girlfriends’ Appendix “What to Say when She tells you She’s Pregnant.”  Though being someone who rarely says anything he doesn’t mean – the marriage proposal thing kind of threw me for a loop.  But I remember thinking, “Well, I guess he doesn’t know that I already know he’s engaged to someone else.” And I went on.  I think I called him once after that just to really see if he wanted to go to an appointment but I never got a call back- not to my surprise.

I stuck with my plan not to tell anyone who the birth father was.  I really wanted to fly this one under the radar as much as I could knowing the kind of drama that would ensue once this got out.  However, I was railroaded.  The birth father told someone about the news.  Next thing I know I’m getting phone calls from my friends.  It’s all over campus apparently.  His friends are telling people I’m pregnant and accusing him of being the father but he’s not.  My friends know that the only person who knows who the birth father is other than my parents is the birth father.  So, when they hear this, they know he is the birth father.  They are stunned – they had no idea.  But arguments between his friends and my friends ensue and so does the drama.  This only gets worse once the fiancé’ finds out.  The rumors she started I am still living down today.  I had quickly found out who my real friends were – most of them ran the other way.  I can count on one hand who my friends were.  Finally I told them I didn’t need them wasting their time/energy fighting his friends, etc.  I needed some support but not in that way.  I also never felt like I was at war with the birth father as most people expected.  His friends were the ones who declared war.  His fiancé escalated it. But I never even responded to it.  I just never saw it as one side against another.  In spite of everything, I loved him – only wanted him to be happy and so I never saw him as “the other side.” Unfortunately, others did see sides and it got pretty ugly.

I went to a local adoption agency and used them as an outsource for services.  I had an apartment and a full time job and didn’t see how living with a bunch of rules with a bunch of teenagers in their associated maternity home was going to help me any.  The pregnancy was difficult.  I was hospitalized three times for severe dehydration, etc.  I was sick for a majority of the pregnancy and it caused major issues for my job.  I think the one thing I wish I’d known then what I know now was that people who saw me the week before I delivered told me they didn’t even know I was pregnant!  So, I could have hid it and never told a soul and saved myself a lot of anguish and trouble!

I was called into the office at the agency – and was given a paper where I was to give all the info on the birth father – address, phone, name, etc.  I asked what it was for – and they said they needed to serve papers on him to get him to sign relinquishment papers unless I could get him to sign them.  He never took my calls so I knew that wasn’t going to be possible.  But the thought of having a sheriff’s deputy show up at his house looking for him did not set well with me.  What if he wasn’t home?  What if his mother answered the door?  I had no idea if his family even knew about any of this.  So, I asked if there was any other way because I was not giving them the information.  And they said I had the option of refusing to name the birth father – so I did that.  I thought I was giving him the easiest way out – the way out I wish I had.  I made it easy for him to be able to just walk away from it.  I think though I secretly was hoping he’d come find me, sit me down, and talk it out and find some other way.  Every time I picked up the phone to see if we could talk about it – until I pictured him happy and moving on with his life.  Even if it was with someone I despised.  So, I never made the call.

I went into labor way early.  I wasn’t even sure it was labor.  It doesn’t exactly happen like it does in the movies.  I was in labor for four hours before I called the doctor to ask.  I’m sure that nurse was laughing at me when I asked if I was in labor.  Oh, and the water breaking thing doesn’t always happen in the movies either.  My water broke – but it was more like a slow leak.  Lol!

The week following the Friday I went into labor – I had scheduled Lamaze class, to meet the other doctors in my doctor’s clinic in case I went into labor on a weekend, etc.  So, yeah – going into labor too “early” was an understatement.  I think I was 32/33 weeks.

I was in labor all day – was put on Pitosin to speed it up because I wasn’t dilating.  So, being in labor all day was not accurate.  Let’s re-phrase.  I was tortured all day in agonizing tears and pain refused medication or epidural because it was too early.  I had the doctor on call because it was after lunch on Friday.  Their practice dictates that if a C-Section is necessary – the actual doctor – even if not on call – has to come in to perform the C-Section – and so my doctor was called in to do the C-Section – took him four hours because it was an unusually nice day in January and he was on the golf course and wanted to finish it out!  My water had broken early that day; labor did not progress; I was in agonizing pain and my baby was in distress.  And he wanted to play golf.  Finally about 9 PM I think he got there and it got fast and furious – I still don’t think I was ever told everything that happened – because everything got “urgent” in a hurry.  I didn’t have time to make decisions that all of a sudden I was being presented with.  Four nurses had to hold me down to cath me.  I was wheeled out in a huge hurry down the hall to the operating room.  I got inside one set of doors that said authorized personnel only.  Got outside the operating room and the blankets were ripped off of me – and I was rolled in stark naked into a room where I lost count of people at 20.  The anesthesiologist was there and pulled up this long needle saying he was gonna stick it in my back and I had a panic attack  (first one I ever had in my life) and my doctor looked at me, rolled his eyes and yelled at them to put me out.  No one would tell me what was going on.  I kept asking and asking – don’t tell me to count backwards – what is going…..zzzzzz.

The next thing I knew I was in a pit of darkness…. I could hear voices…. Couldn’t make anything out clearly but I know my mom’s voice was there.  Why could I not see?  And then, the pain…. The most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt even to this day… I finally was able to climb out of the darkness and force my eyes open.  What was all that screaming?  Oh, that was me!  I think my mom learned in that moment I knew a few words she’d never even heard before!  My recovering nurse came over and told me I was in recovery.  I asked for something for the pain.  She said I’d get something when I got into a room.  So, I repeated that I needed something for the pain.  She repeated her answer.  I grabbed her and hung on – took the entire department of people to free her from my grip.  My mom was horrified.  Obviously any doubts about my strength were laid to rest at that point.  Lol!  The nurse called the doctor to see if they could move me to a room and I could tell from her expression and her response that he said no – he wanted me to wait a few more hours!  The nurse hung up the phone, looked at me, and said, “Let’s see if we can get you to your room.” And winked at me.  She leaned down to me and whispered, “Your doctor is an asshole!”  Yep!  I agree!  (He was pissed off at me because he tried to give my phone number to his infertility patients who plagued me for months begging for my baby – and I changed my number, etc – he disagreed with my adoption to place through the agency.)  This was all I remember about the recovery room.

So, they hooked me up to my new best friend, “The Pump.” Mom said I squeezed that pump all through the rest of the night as I slept.  No one knew what to do with me or what to say to me.  I was put on the gynecology wing away from other mothers and babies.  The nurses left me alone.  In fact, it was hard to get them to do anything! I think they were afraid of me or something.  So, I was far away from the nursery where my son was.  No one was talking about my son though.  I finally assumed the worst – he must have died.  I just started crying – and my mom rushed over to me and asked me what was wrong.  Finally I was able to ask about my baby – and why no one would talk about him.  If he had died.  My mom said they’d told me in recovery when I asked.  She thought I knew – so she told me he was okay.  I went to see him.  I remember thinking he was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen.  He looked just like his daddy – and after the months of rumors that were being spread about me – I almost felt vindicated; even though no one would see that who is father was could not be denied.  That was important at the time I guess.  I never held him in my arms at that time; but I’ve always held him in my heart.

The agency people who had been so caring in months leading up to my delivery were no longer caring.  In fact, even when in labor – the woman who was there acted as if she needed to be somewhere else and was inconvenienced by my timing.  In fact, someone else was supposed to be doing this labor coach thing but they were unavailable.  When they brought the papers in to be signed early on a Sunday morning it was rushed, cold, etc.  One of the darkest moments of my life.  I was so whacked out on pain medication but they said they could fudge on the time of when I was off of it – supposed to be free of drugs when you sign legal documents like this.  When I later found out I had been overdosed on anesthesia to put me out – and that the type of anesthesia they used involved egg protein which I’m allergic to – which binds itself to cells and has to be shed  -which my body is unable to break down – so it takes longer – it took weeks to be completely free of it – but no one told me at the time.  And the agency didn’t care.  They just wanted my signature.  I was threatened not to ever search.  When I asked for a copy of the papers I was refused saying it would be a bad idea for me to keep a copy because of what it would remind me of – I just needed to go on with my life.  So, I really have no idea what I signed.  I later found out that this was standard practice.

My parents took me to the home I grew up in to recover.  The recovery from the C-Section was painful.  After the first few days I called the agency to check on my son – and they told me he was placed in a family according to my wishes – small town, older sibling, Christian family, and a stay at home mom – which I remember the social worker lady at the adoption agency when I requested that – she told me that was rare and I stood up to her and told her if I could be a stay at home mom, then I’d be keeping my baby – so I would not relent on this.  Apparently they found one.  I also learned that the father was not born in the USA.  (A small detail that actually helped me confirm that I’d found the right young man last year when I found him.)

So yes, nearly 20 years later, I did find my son and had the honor of meeting him.  He’s had a great life – I always knew to place a child for adoption wasn’t giving my child away but placing him in the hands of God – and God delivered faithfully.

It is more important to me that he has access to his information and heritage than having a relationship with me so I’ve promised to keep those doors open as I can.  If the relationship comes, then it will be a blessing.  I don’t have much other stuff except on me at this point especially since I have no information on my birth family – the medical info stops with me!  I’ve given him some generic  info I have on his birth father but I know he’d like to know more.  However, my decision to let his birth father have an easy out 20 years ago, I’ve now learned maybe wasn’t the best decision because it never forced him to really have to deal it or face it.  I even talked to his birth father about it a little bit and it’s like he’s still stuck in that memory he has in his head; on the phone in his kitchen looking out his window and hearing my voice tell him, “I’m pregnant.”  He told me that he’s often questioned through the years– and even asked me if we made the right decision.  Then he reminded me there was no “we” – I pretty much made up my mind and moved on.  I just never realized I’d left him kind of stuck behind on things.  I just always assumed he easily moved on.  I never dreamed he’d be asking me years later if we made the right decision.

(And if you – the birth father- are reading this and need to correct me on any of it – or want to guest post on my blog to share your perspective anonymously or otherwise- let me know!)

This is my answer.  Any number of choices we had in our situation would have been the right ones except abortion.

Yes, we made the right decision.  Our son has had an amazing life and great experiences he probably would not have otherwise.  He has an older sister.  He has been able to travel – and loves it.  He’s a wonderful young man in spite of his dna – lol!  He looks just like his birth father did when I first met him – except for his eyes.  He has my eyes.  It must be a strong gene – my other kids have my eyes, too.  I think he has a heart to help people and gets tired of people who take advantage of him.  I see a lot of the best things about me and about his birth father all rolled up into one person.  He’s allowed me the privilege of witnessing his life unfold via Facebook since we live so far away from each other.  I see him struggle with some of the things I’ve struggled with… Learning some of the lessons I had to learn at his age.  It’s hard to watch sometimes!  But I think he’s got enough of his birth father’s dna and personality – he actually handles it better than I ever did.  It’s fun to watch.  Makes me wonder what my other two kids will be like at that age.  It’s been a fascinating journey to be a part of – to see that even raised by adoptive parents how much dna is still a factor.  Reinforces my strong beliefs that adoptees need to have access into their birth families history – social, medical, pictures, etc. Even if just to have some sort of explanation to serve as an anchor or point of reference that ties them to this planet we’re on.

However, any of the other decisions we could have made would have been right, too – just looked different.  We could have got married and interestingly enough – our son probably would have still been raised in the state he grew up in.  I muse that God must have had specific plans for having him in the state he is in!  lol!  It would have been difficult but we probably would have made it just fine.  If I had to go back and make a different decision this would be the one I’d make.  However, this does not take away from the fact that I do believe he’s had a great life – so don’t read into that that I feel like he would have had a better life had I married the birth father.  I think in regards to me – it would have been the better decision – at least more right for me.

I could have raised him as a single mom.  Still the right decision – but our lives would have looked very different.

Early on, I was one of those happy, happy, joy, joy is adoption people.  I was opposed to open records after being fed all the lies from the adoption agency I was associated with and after many meetings with the late Bill Pierce the man who was in charge of National Council for Adoption at the time.  A group called TXCare was proposing (the first of several attempts) open records in Texas.  I was encouraged to be a part of that opposition to TxCare – coached by the man himself and then referred to a woman at Gladney who took charge of the fight against open records in Texas.  After one conversation with her, I realized there were agendas here that I did not want to be a part of and started me down the road of disillusionment where adoption was concerned.  And I quickly dropped my involvement with NCFA and the fight against TXCare.

So, I have spent the past 20 years talking to people involved in adoption and reunions and so forth.  I’ve met a wide variety of people in a variety of situations.  I’ve learned a lot about what birth mothers have faced in years past when facing crisis pregnancy in a society that shamed it.  My heart goes out to two groups of people:  Adoptees who don’t have access to their history.  (Of course, I fall into this category!) & Birth Mothers from the Baby Scoop Era which I feel were wronged in so many ways and I feel like society owes them a huge debt!  I am most compassionate for those who have felt like they’ve had to keep this secret for so long and never got any help in dealing with their loss; even being able to acknowledge it or even celebrate the life they brought into this world.

I probably have the most compassion for adoptees seeking their heritage. As an adoptee – I’m innocent in this.  No one asked me.  The industry in 1969 had no clue that I might be curious about where exactly I came from one day.  The theory of that day was that nurture was more important and relevant than nature (dna).  Now that we know different; we have an industry more interested in covering their butt than acknowledging they were operating on the wrong assumptions and at least trying to be apart of the solution instead of the problem.

However, at the same time, how far are we really supposed to go when demanding our rights?  I believe that birth mothers who feel they have been wronged by the system have amazing stories that would go far in efforts to bring about nationwide reform in adoption practices.  I feel adoptees have powerful stories and influences in both the adoption reform segment as well as the open records.  As a birth mother, I have a hard time coming from that position to fight for open records.  I understand the feelings and motivations behind it; but I believe that adoptees have the most compelling stories to influence politicians to pass open record legislation.  I wonder if birth mothers so active in this fight are doing so just because it’s up against the adoption industry, which they have come to hate so much?

For me as a birth mother to go to a politician and say, “I realize I signed away my rights, but….” Is not going to get anywhere.  I can tell him/her all the stories I want to about how the system has wronged me, lied to me, etc and all they will hear is that I made a mistake and I want him/her to pass legislation to help undo it.  But if I go to a politician and tell him/her I want reform in the industry and explain my experiences as to why that is – he/she is more than likely going to listen to me.

However, as an adoptee, I can go to my politicians/representatives and tell them my story as an adoptee and how the agency I was placed through as blocked and denied me access to what Texas laws has given me – and give examples of how this happens again and again; and often the information is false by many agencies – the politician will sit up and take notice.  And opening records will then be a viable option if the behavior on the industry part against the innocent shows that due process and rights are being violated towards the innocent adoptees in Texas.

I think because of my unique perspective I have a little more balance in my experiences.  While I passionately believe in my rights to access an adoptee, I have to consider at what cost?  What if my birth mother is one that kept the secret?  How do I handle an intrusion into her life while trying to gain access for mine?  Yes, I think about it often.  And I do realize that when I do find her, she may not want a relationship with me, & that’s okay.  But how do I encourage her to just give me information?  And this is the same plight that politicians have when looking at legislation to open records.

Just today I got to be a silent witness via a Texas search group – one of the women in the group found her birth family in recent days and it’s so exciting and fascinating when this happens for an adoptee as they discover pictures and the stories about where they come from, that they have siblings, etc.  She was so excited today and I asked her for permission to post this with the understanding I protect her birth father because he is a very private person.  But just a few short sentences from her birth father was enough to probably make her tiring, arduous search worth it.  I just copied it as is:

“hello holly….this is a surprise to say the least. but im glad you found me..if there is anything you would like to ask or know about me ill be glad to tell you..i love the name holly..you seem to be a real neat person im proud of you but not so much of myself..at the time it was the best thing to do..i hope youve had a good life..and forgive me…love you (name removed to protect his privacy.)”

For those of you who are not adopted, you truly have no idea how much these words from a birth father could mean to an adoptee.

And for anyone who is thinking this- this always comes up when I post about these kinds of things – a majority of the reunions I’ve witnessed where one party finds another – the party being found does not mind being found.  It’s unfortunate in the situations that are that way – and if you are in one of those, I’m deeply sorry.  But after all I’ve heard, witnessed and so forth, I encourage anyone to search… Especially birth mothers – those are normally the easiest searches.  Though there are exceptions.  For an adoptee to search is virtually impossible.  Since the births are recorded in the adoptees adopted name – birth mothers who know the where/when where birth dates are concerned – the search is easier.

I will be posting some more information in regards to other topics – I’m done with adoption for awhile.  I am working on my new business so I’m distracted somewhat from other things like designing but I will return with freebies for digi-scrappers soon.

I also have another side in the adoption triad.  I have discussed issues specific for be as an adoptee; in addition to being an adoptee, I am also a birth mother.  I won’t share my entire story here.  If you’d like to know it, feel free to contact me through Facebook or leave a comment and I’ll be happy to tell you more.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about my experience and things I’ve come to realize since that time.  (My story is actually in Post #2 Tonight)

Many times you will encounter three types of birth mothers.  Victims of Society, Happy Happy Joy Joy in their own Society, and the Secret Society.  Before you read on, I need you to understand this something before you jump off at any point and start trying to leave horrible comments or shoot me emails or whatever.  You need to read ALL THE WAY through before just stopping and make assumptions about what I’ve said or think about any particular group of people.  There is a reason that I’m leaving my own story until the end to share.  I will bring this all together when you stay tuned for the rest of the story.  These are observations – not judgments.

Victims of Society

The most common birth mother you will encounter that you are aware of will have mostly negative things to say about the experience.  I refer to this category as Victims.  They are “victims” in the circumstances that led to their crisis pregnancy; often many were “victims” of the Baby Scoop Era (before Roe Vs. Wade); they are “victims” of the adoption industry; they are “victims” in today’s society because of the rights they feel they are being denied to them and so on.

The most recent thing I’ve discovered about this group:  Many are even offended by the term “birth mother.”  They’ve gone as far as to create other terms like “first mother” and so on… I find the “first mother” term offensive personally just because it makes birth mothers look “defensive” as if they are trying to vie for their position or something.  And I don’t wish that sort of view by outsiders to reflect on me as a birth mother.  In the adoption triad – there are two moms.  The industry in referring to the two different moms came up with the terms to differentiate between the two – and nothing more.  I’m sure both birth mothers and adoptive mothers feel the same in this.  They are just “mom.”  I personally think that the term “mom” or “mother” is a title that is earned not demanded.  And most people only casually aware of adoption in society don’t even realize this term can be so offensive.  I witnessed this just recently.  A well-meaning woman actually praised birth mothers for their sacrifice and she was nearly crucified for her remark because she used the term “birth mother.”  I cried when I read the thread.  It was the saddest, most pathetic exchange of accusations and defensiveness I’ve ever witnessed.  I tried to make a comment in the thread to defend the naivety of the original post and point out she was saying something positive to encourage and how exchanges like this hurt the cause of open records etc because legislatures see this sort of thing in the open records fight from broken victims that they see more in need of extensive therapy than open records.  So, I cautioned at finding a better way of “educating” others about how that might be considered an offensive term without attacking them.  This comment resulted in a deluge of private messages sent to my Facebook inbox trying to sway me into the way of thinking that the term “birth mother” is offensive or how could I even defend anyone using that term or not even be bothered by it myself.  Now that I didn’t mind because I learned a long time ago the power of “delete.”  The fact is that I am a birth mother in a triad where one gave birth/life and another one gave nurturing, home, investment, etc.  I am honored to have made the choice to give life and give birth to my son.  That is my initial role in his life.  I hope that at some point that we will be able to develop something more so that is not the only role I play in his life.  However, I also humbly give honor and respect and much love to his parents for their roles in his life.

Birthmothers in this first category also have come to realize that the system lied to them; and they continue to harbor anger and bitterness as a result that they carry with them throughout their lives.  The anger and bitterness nearly serve as badges they wear proudly as their God-given right to.  And woe be to the one that tells them otherwise.  The adoption industry is the enemy.  Rarely are their exceptions. Even adoptive parents are the enemy.  The birth mothers in this category will reason that if God meant for those parents to be parents, they would be able to have their own children not “steal” or “buy” someone else’s child.  As I’ve gone further and further into becoming more active in trying to get change to come to the adoption industry – the more and more stories I hear and the types of people I find.

I am one of the first to speak up and say that feelings are not wrong.  How you respond to them and how you choose to act on them can be wrong… But feelings are not wrong.  The birth mothers in this group in their collective “victim” experience are powerfully motivated to bring about change in a broken system that we know as the adoption industry.  They know that the fight is hard and up against one of the most powerful lobbying organizations in the USA today, The National Council for Adoption.  They people they have to influence to bring about change are politicians – often whom are adoptive parents through some of the biggest anti-adoption reform agencies in the country.  Politicians who don’t understand the plight of birth mothers or adoptees for that matter and who continue to look for legal, political, positive aspects of why opening adoption records would be good for the constituents and many groups no matter how motivated fail to do this because of those badges of anger, bitterness, and defensiveness associated with being a victim that I mentioned and the emotion and feelings that get in the way of this cause.

Bringing about adoption reform is something I am interested in.  I have been trying to learn what has failed as opposed to what has worked in the past as I follow the fight from state to state.  I recently had the opportunity to spend a great deal of time on the phone with someone who was leading this fight in another state.  I pretty much knew what I needed to know in 5 minutes but the phone call took over an hour.  She was the most harsh, abrupt, rude, angry, bitter, defensive people I’ve ever encountered in my life.  I wonder if this group had someone else more balanced with a recent reality check on how to deal with and influence people and politicians if they’d had better luck because they had great strategies.  But I think what ended happening with this group is what I see happening with most other groups fighting for reform and open records from state to state.  They are groups of activists with great reason to want reform that go in demanding their rights as adoptees, birth mothers, etc. with little regard or respect for the others involved whose rights will be trampled in the process.  Something I do not agree with.  The big issue in question in forums today is the right to confidentiality as opposed to the right of privacy – two separate issues though they sound like the same thing.  An example:  So groups of adoptees are fighting for legislation that will give them full access to their history including identifying information of birth parents; however the legislation specifies that the birth families have a right to privacy – meaning the right to refuse contact / relationship or not be bothered though they may be unwillingly asked/forced to comply with a mandate to share their social, medical history, the adoptee’s story, etc.  And the reverse applies – a birth family can seek information on the adoptee – and can be granted the information but still can be refused contact/relationship.  Tennessee has this legislation in place – a little to the extreme though.  Automatically restraining orders are placed on adoptees until the birth parent files paperwork to have the order removed.  All the adoptee was guilty of was being born/adopted and requesting more information.  (Talk about offensive!)  The adoptee also has to sign a very lengthy contract written in legalese to start that process in getting the information.  I know this story from an adoptee – so I’m assuming the reverse is probably true as well should a birth family wish to find the adoptee.  But I don’t know – so don’t quote me on that.

Tennessee’s laws regarding legal access to adoptees/birth families seems a little extreme on the surface.  However, if you’ve met and spent time talking to, interviewing, and in discussion with many of the people involved in this victims group – you quickly understand why Tennessee felt it necessary to put these procedures into place.  There are many people in this group that come across as people who would not respect or accept the other’s refusal of relationship/contact.  They very well may be willing to cooperate – but they do not come across that way.  And that is what ends and loses the battles in state legislatures.  The path to seeking justice and one’s rights at the expense of another is a very vicarious journey not to be taken or trampled lightly.

The Happy Happy Joy Joy Group

These people can be a refreshing drink of water while navigating the varying landscapes of those involved in adoption.  This particular group of birth mothers has a very differing experience of being birth moms, their views on adoptions, etc.  What I find about this group is that they are most often younger in their experience; have not yet gone on to marriage and having kids to raise of their own; and are involved in open adoptions.  And many make it their mission to share the positive joys they have in their experience.  This is good and needed so people can see there are other experiences.  But as I’ve also recently witnessed in this particular group recently – they have their own drama and issues and they are the same as the first group I discussed above in this:  They think that the other groups and opinions are wrong – and that there must seriously be something wrong with someone if they have a bad experience as a birth mom, etc.  They get angry when anything negative is said about adoption.  And they are just as defensive.

I wonder if they will feel the same way when they find out through personal experience that when an adoptive family has had enough or changes their mind and decides to move away and refuse further contact or access to the child to the birth mother – leaving no forwarding address or phone number or anything… When the birth mother finds out that the laws always side with the adoptive family… That when those relinquishment papers are signed – she still has no rights no matter what the “arrangement” is with the adoption… If she will still have the happy, happy, joy, joy feelings about adoption.

Adoptive families can be in this group to – the ones involved in open adoption.  I wonder when they have to deal with their child experiencing rejection and abandonment issues over and over because the birth mother is not consistent or committed and comes and goes as she pleases and even disappears for months/years at a time if they will still feel the same happy, happy, joy, joy feelings?

Both of those arrangements above happen on a daily basis – and yet all you hear from this group of birth mothers, etc is that open adoption is the cure!  Hmmm… Just an observation … But in order for that to work best for the child – who is the innocent party in all of this here – wouldn’t that require a life long commitment from the birth mother?  If I could have given a life long commitment,  I would have kept my son. But again, this is just me – and I’ll share my story here after I share info on the 3^rd group of birth mothers.

Oh, and you won’t find this group fighting for adoption reform.  They are happy with how it is now.

The Secret Society

A majority of this group falls into the category that my own birth mother falls into – what is known in the industry as the Baby Scoop Era – the era before Roe Vs. Wade when abortions became legal.  These are the ones who have kept their secret even until today.  They “went away “to have their babies, in a time when the industry just did not know what to do with or how to treat birth mothers.  They were often denied the opportunity to even hold their babies or see them.  They were given dangerous drugs that robbed them of their memory and later caused health problems they may not even realize are attributed to drugs they were given during that time.  They were threatened not to ever look for their children or they would spend their lives in prison – often accompanied by descriptive accounts of what life in prison would be like.  Many were forced into slavery to help “earn their keep” with the places they were staying.  They were only allowed certain portions of food.  I heard an interesting comment the other day from a woman who said she still often finds herself thinking about oranges – when she eats and orange and wanting another one – she still has programming in her brain that tells her she already had an orange and can’t have any more… Then she’ll snap out of it and eat all the oranges she wants to.  It’s interesting to hear what these women carry with them even 40+ years later.

The Secret Society of birth mothers you may encounter but you won’t know it.  They have kept their secret.  Chances are they never got counseling or help and have lived their lives in shame and in fear that the secret would ever come out.  Many still don’t realize that they can search and find an adoptee that is more than likely looking for them.  They don’t realize that they can be freed from all that they carry from keeping the secret – if they could find a safe avenue to reveal the secret to their families and bring healing.

This group is not aware of voluntary state registries where they can register to see if their child is looking for them.  They haven’t explored the forums online to register to search there.  They aren’t aware of the legislation being pushed in states to open records that might facilitate uninvited guests into their lives with the potential to completely disrupt them.

This group is not involved in adoption reform or opening adoption records.  Most are completely unaware of it; and if they are, they are hiding in fear.  So, they have no voice.  To do so, they would have to reveal their secret.  So they hide in fear in their secret society so secret – they don’t even know each other.

UPDATE:

Somehow, the rest of my post did not get pasted here.  So I definitely have a big oops here!  These are the three groups you find of birth mothers who have not had healing over the trauma that surrendering a child brings into one’s life.  If they haven’t had healing come from whatever source – faith, therapy, reunion, etc – then they will often fall into one of these categories.  Hopefully, more and more birth mothers are finding ways to bring healing.  Once they do that, you will find someone with more balance:  maybe some victim residual (and rightfully so); hopefully some positive views emerge about adoption in spite of the vast need for reform.  And hopefully they will turn all the negative energy they’ve harbored for so long into something positive to bring about healing and adoption reform just by sharing their story and encouraging others in their own journey.

My Birth Mother likes Swimming & Horses and Was Born in 1948.  That is it for my birth history.  Oh, and my birth father was a rancher.  No photo’s.  No other information that is consistent or verifiable.  So, do you know who she is?  Yeah – likely not. If you are not an adoptee than I imagine you might find it difficult to comprehend what it’s like to have such limited information on your genetic history. Or the challenge it presents when filling out medical questionnaires.

An example of what I’m subject to – like most adoptees – in their search for birth family information.

My 3^rd Inquiry made in February 2010.  My first inquiry was summer of 2009 hoping I gave them enough time to pull the information together so I could present it to my son when I saw him at the end of September.  In November 2009, I made the second request.  And this week was my final attempt before moving on to something a little more uncomfortable for all parties involved.  It is below followed by the response I received today:

Mr. Cxxxx Hxxxxx,

I copied both of my parents emails on this email to you for two reasons.  So that you would know that I am seeking this information with their knowledge and blessing.  Also, so that they can witness my 3rd request for information.

I am requesting again the redacted file regarding my birth family and adoption agency as granted to me by Texas Family Code Section 162.006 which is copied below for your reference.  My last request was made back in November 2009 without reply or acknowledgment.

Sec. 162.006.  RIGHT TO EXAMINE RECORDS.  (a) The department, licensed child-placing agency, person, or entity placing a child for adoption shall inform the prospective adoptive parents of their right to examine the records and other information relating to the history of the child. The person or entity placing the child for adoption shall edit the records and information to protect the identity of the biological parents and any other person whose identity is confidential.

(b) The department, licensed child-placing agency, or court retaining a copy of the report shall provide a copy of the report that has been edited to protect the identity of the birth parents and any other person whose identity is confidential to the following persons on request:

(1) an adoptive parent of the adopted child;

(2) the managing conservator, guardian of the person, or legal custodian of the adopted child;

(3) the adopted child, after the child is an adult;

(4) the surviving spouse of the adopted child if the adopted child is dead and the spouse is the parent or guardian of a child of the deceased adopted child; or

(5) a progeny of the adopted child if the adopted child is dead and the progeny is an adult.

(c) A copy of the report may not be furnished to a person who cannot furnish satisfactory proof of identity and legal entitlement to receive a copy.

(d) A person requesting a copy of the report shall pay the actual and reasonable costs of providing a copy and verifying entitlement to the copy.

(e) The report shall be retained for 99 years from the date of the adoption by the department or licensed child-placing agency placing the child for adoption. If the agency ceases to function as a child-placing agency, the agency shall transfer all the reports to the department or, after giving notice to the department, to a transferee agency that is assuming responsibility for the preservation of the agency’s adoption records. If the child has not been placed for adoption by the department or a licensed child-placing agency and if the child is being adopted by a person other than the child’s stepparent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle by birth, marriage, or prior adoption, the person or entity who places the child for adoption shall file the report with the department, which shall retain the copies for 99 years from the date of the adoption.

I may be reached at 806-xxx-xxx to set up a time for me to come and pick up the copy of the file.  I understand that most agencies in Texas provide the redacted copy of the file for a fee usually around $50 which I am willing to pay.

If you are unable to comply with this request, then I request an appointment to meet with you and my parents so you can explain why it is that you are unable to comply. Also, I was told to be sure and inform you that I am registered with the Texas Voluntary Adoption Registry.

Sincerely,

Melanie (Northcutt) Morales
DOB:  05/xx/1969

This is the response I received:

Melanie,

Thanks for your continued interest regarding your biological history.

We have not over-looked your request for information, and have been diligently working on your inquiry.  Our wish is to provide you with as much information as possible, while protecting the privacy of other individuals involved.  Your petition is not unusual.  Many adopted children share your same interest.  However, any service provider has to exercise prudence in any release of secured information.  Although the process may seem simple, there is more involved than one realizes.  The reason for the cumbersome delay is the intended definition of “redacted” information. Our counsel has been performing an exhaustive study to provide you with as much historical data as allowable.  Rest assured, your file is actually more complete than most, but will not be released until we are confident that we are providing you quality and accurate information.  Feel free to share this correspondence with your mom and dad.  We will have an answer for you soon.

Respectfully,

Cxxxx Hxxxxx

Executive Director

High Plains Children’s Home

My polite response:

“Thank you so much for your response.  I truly appreciate your efforts.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.”

Okay – my immediate observations:

First of all “Thanks for your continued interest in your biological history.”  Like I am going to give that up!!!!?  Oh this struck a huge chord of discontent with me!  My first request was made for redacted information back in summer of 2009 ;for redacted info because I had three summary sheets they had given me over the years that contradicted information from the sheet before.  (I received 3 over a 15 yr period).  I will get to that in a minute.  But so – they’ve had to “consult counsel” for a definition of redacted.  [FYI: Redacted info is last names, street address and town and phone numbers marked out or removed from the file – but other than that – the file is presented in tact in its entirety –or a copy of it.]  But they are looking for “intended definition” and it’s taken them since summer of 2009 to do this?  Exhaustive study?  I’d be exhausted too! I am glad I am not paying those attorney fees!!!!   Obviously my request for redacted info is indeed unusual and the first if they are just now figuring out with counsel what “redacted” is supposed to be!  And for the record, I am not a child (in ref. to “adopted children…” statement) – I am 40-year-old adult adoptee! It’s hard to be assured my file is “more complete than most” when previously your agency told me that there was nothing in my file!

Oh and by the way – my new definition for “Cumbersome Delay” is INCOMPETENCE!

One phone call from the agency to the central vital statistics office for the state of Texas that deals with this on a daily basis would tell them what the definition of “redacted” info is!

My personal opinion is that they are trying to protect someone and looking for a loophole to refuse my request.  And they can’t find one – and that is what is taking so long.

However, I will say this.  The current director is probably still cleaning up a mess left by an agency director – I think was two directors – before him that I also had the displeasure of dealing with.  He had no ethics or morals and milked searching adoptees for hundreds of dollars each offering up that their files had no information but he could hire a PI to find the birth mothers.  I had a friend who was a victim of that scam – actually after hundreds of dollars he did get info on his birth mom – but since she never even left the Amarillo area – I seriously doubt that an PI was ever hired or involved and all that money was pocketed by the director.  So he may be treading lightly and trying to cover his butt knowing the mess that was made before him.  But still – six months of trying to define “redacted” info?  That is highly unlikely.

Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens daily for birth families and adoptees seeking more information on the loved ones they were voluntarily/involuntarily separated from in years past… Something often promised to them by adoption agencies handling the adoption placement.  Repeated run around, jumping through hoops, stonewalling tactics, misinformation, outright lies and so on.

I have not asked for anything illegal by asking for redacted info.  Redacted info contains no identifying information.  It is the ONLY right an adult adoptee has guaranteed to him/her by the State of Texas – and as you can see by what I’m dealing with now – adoption industry and agencies don’t even honor that or comply with Texas Family Code.

This leaves adoptees and birth families seeking alternative ways to the information that holds clues to their identities, social and medical histories.  The adoption industry as a whole needs reform across the board.  Laws do not protect birth mothers in open adoption.  That is a lie that the industry offers up to would-be birth moms.  If an adoptive family decided to up and leave without further contact and leave no forwarding address, etc – the laws fall on their side and the birth mom has no recourse.  Closed adoptions prevalent in an earlier era – maybe not so much today – those agencies handling those often release NO information whatsoever.  They will offer a “summary sheet” of information that is often misinformation or outright lies to appease the curious.  It must be a play straight from the NCFA (National Council for Adoption) handbook!  It’s something that is repeated often.  If you are an adoptee searching – ALWAYS request the redacted info.  That way nothing is left for interpretation and bad math on the part of an incompetent office assistant or social worker.

So recourse is to join movements across the nation state by state to get adoption records open and by pass the industry and agencies all together.  I will be the first to admit this is not my number one choice for a solution.  But because my number one choice would take lots of legislation, money and work to get put into place, I support this option, which is my second choice.  My first choice would be for the adoption industry voluntarily be a part of the solution rather than part of the problem. But since their history suggests that won’t ever be the case, then the next best solution is to open records.  I personally know one birth mother who does NOT want to be found – and this is someone that placed in the 1990’s!  The other I know is a birth father that wants to remain anonymous in that situation but will offer no reason or explanation why.

So, when you talk about opening records and exposing their identities – then you are inviting unwanted intrusion on their lives.  So, as long as legislation allows for anyone in that scenario to refuse contact  – but provide the social, medical information etc – then that would be ideal.   It’s difficult to justify demanding one’s rights by trampling over the rights of another.  So there is a fine line there that needs to be respected.  However I do believe that the information including identity, photo’s etc should be made available – even if having to go through a third party – as long as that third party is NOT an adoption agency but a third party without bias in the information transaction!

So, I am going to use my alternative avenue for information the Internet and social media to get the word out about the specifics of my search as well as help shed some light onto what goes on in the adoption world for those of us touched by adoption – so there can be some understanding of what we deal with just trying to gain access to the information that non-adoptees often take for granted.

If you know whom my birth mom or birth family might be – if you would let me know or help her find my post and encourage her to contact me!  Also spread the word and share the link to my post to anyone who might know – anyone who lives in the Amarillo region as well as New Mexico; anyone with ties to the church of Christ denomination; etc. Other ways you can help, encourage your state reps to vote for adoption reform and open records in your state.  Encourage any birth moms or adoptees you know to register on various places on the Internet to find their birth family and register with the placing agency as well as any voluntary state registry that might be available for the state involved.

What I Know – OR What I’ve Been Told Or Lied to About – About My Birth Mom

(and the one piece of info I have about my birth father)

We’ll start with the basics.  I was born in Amarillo, TX in Potter County in May of 1969.  The social worker who placed me is Nancy Ray and Nancy said she specifically remembered being with my birth mother during my delivery.  I asked Nancy if she remembered her well enough to tell me what she was like but she didn’t remember anything.  I would never ask Nancy to betray the confidential identifying information of my birth mom.  I just hoped she remembered something about her that would just give me some more info about where/who I come from.

I was placed through Christian Haven adoption agency sponsored by Southlawn/Southside Church of Christ congregation – I forget which one – which today is known as High Plains Children’s Home and Southlawn/Southside combined congregations and is now known as Southwest Church of Christ.

The only thing with consistency on three summary sheets of information is that my birth father was older than my birth mother and he was a “rancher”.  I don’t know if that means his family had a ranch or if he was a ranch hand or what kind of ranch – etc.  Just “rancher” is all that was offered.  That is it.

My birth mom liked horses and swimming and her statement/thoughts about placing me for adoption was the same thing the put on most of the summary sheets I’ve seen from the same agency:  She didn’t want to place me for adoption but knew it was the best thing for me… and she cried.  Oh, and the liking swimming and horses was also something that is often found on their summary sheets they give to adoptees as well.  (I guess they assumed the adoptees placed through this same agency wouldn’t eventually find each other! Considering I great up with a quite a few of them – that was pretty naïve thinking on their part!)

I have no other definitive information.  That is my genealogy and social history that I know – at least that has been consistent across the board on the summary sheets I got from the agency.

The rest of this may or may not be true – and I think I’ve managed to take some vague clues and put some of it together – but again, I could be wrong – so just keep that in mind.

When I was placed with my parents, they were told that my birth mom was from New Mexico.  That she came to Amarillo because of a family connection to the sponsoring church of Christ congregation of Christian Haven.  She was between 19-21 (depending on which summary sheet you want to believe – I’ll address this in a minute) when I was born.  She was not a minor.  And when I offered the suggestion to Nancy Ray that my birth mother may have stayed in the home with Mary Neidhardt who took care of birth mothers who came to Christian Haven in her own home, Nancy said she didn’t remember my birth mother living with Mary.  So, this suggests that there is a strong possibility that what my parents were told about my birth mother coming to Amarillo with a family connection is probably right.  She probably stayed with relatives while she was pregnant with me.  Also – my parents now attend Southwest and have for quite some time since moving to Amarillo.  Someone once told my mom they thought they knew who my birth mother was – but my mom cannot remember who it was that told her that.  So, I obviously am like my birth mother enough to remind someone of her.

I don’t trust the New Mexico reference for two reasons.  It could be true.  I’m not saying that.  But being a sure thing – I wouldn’t put all my eggs in that basket.  One time when I inquired by phone with the agency that I knew she was from New Mexico the other person on the phone said they didn’t know where I got that information – and implied it was not correct but would not substantiate it or offer alternative information.  The other reason I don’t trust this is because when my brother was adopted – my mom was told that his birth mother called from Louisiana to check to see if he was okay; and we recently found out upon finding his birth family that his birth mother was told he was with a family in Odessa, TX. When in reality, we never lived more than an hour away from both sides of his birth family – and he even knew some of his birth family when it was revealed to him who they were!

But, however, the story of the family connection to Amarillo, etc seems to fit –the New Mexico reference could be correct since it was offered with this other info to my parents directly at the time of placement, which seems to be the most accurate / honest of anything we have.

So, if we take into consideration that by some small chance that the varying ages/birth year of my birth mom was due to poor attention, bad math and incompetence of the office assistant at HPCH (which is plausible – I have worked with her on a project outside of HPCH where she lied, controlled, manipulated the situation and bolted as soon as I confronted her about it.  So I have huge issues about her being involved in this at all but I guess it’s her job in file management.) … So it could have been not deliberate deception but pulling information from varying parts of the file to fill in the spot for birth mom’s age or year of birth.  My mom was told she was 19 at the time of placement.  I was once told she was 20 at the time of my birth.  But her birth year given on the last summary sheet (1948) I received would suggest she was 21.  So – if we gave this agency the benefit of the doubt on this – there is a way to make this info fit.

My birth mom could have been 19 when she came to Amarillo in fall of 1968.  Turned 20 shortly after coming here – so her birthday would be at the END of the year – I would guess December.  But could possibly be November.  Take my birth month and work backwards.  Take into consideration her discovering she’s pregnant and telling family and getting shipped off before she could disgrace her family in her hometown – would put her in Amarillo by November.  So – November/December could be her birth month.  She could have come at age 19; turned 20 and then had me in May 1969 and turned 21 the year I was born.  Again – this is just an educated guess based on what little and differing information I was offered.

Birth certificate code for that section and county would suggest her last name given on the birth certificate would have more than likely started with an “A” or possibly “B”.

hat is what I know or guess.  I want the social and medical history as well as photo’s of birth family.  If she doesn’t want contact or a relationship then I will respect that.  But there are ways she can get the information to me – starting with her contacting the placing agency!  She can pass the info through a trusted friend or through the agency.

Right now I don’t want to direct my energy at going after HPCH for the redacted info.  I am going to give them a little more time – and just see what their definition of “soon” is. I would love nothing more than for them to surprise me with my file of redacted info soon.

I want to spend my time and energy getting this blog post out and getting the story out and seeing if I can find my family this way.  I’d be happy to talk to media about my story and search.  Maybe a reporter is interested in following the story – they are always ready to report on reunions –how about shedding some light on the journey – what it takes to actually find a birth family member?

And before I get a bunch of comments about it – please know I am also a birth mom if you haven’t read my previous post on adoption; and I know what that perspective involves – I just haven’t got to that part of my story yet – maybe with my next adoption related post.

Also know, that I love my adoptive family very much.  I am grateful for my life.  But I can be both grateful and curious about my natural history, too.  Just because I’m pursuing the birth connection doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for my family or my life.

Please share my post and spread the word.  People need to know these stories happen every day.  People need to know why change is needed.  Sadly my story is a normal, daily saga among adult adoptees.  Work for change and adoption reform in your state!

If you are on my Facebook or know me personally you know that I am passionate about the topic of adoption.  I have the unique perspective of two points of view – as an adoptee & as a birth mother.  If you are a casual observer like a majority of the population, then you may know what adoption is but not realize all of the corruption and lies and other offenses in the adoption industry as a whole.

Superficially, adoption is a beautiful concept.  This concept is the general conception that couples unable to have children of their own “adopt” children of others who are unable to be parents – for whatever reason (voluntarily or forced to surrender a child for adoption).  If you’ve paid much attention to media, then you may also have heard about stories of reunions among adoptees & birth families.To the general population barely touched by adoption – this is what they know about adoption and it’s a beautiful thing.  However, this barely scratches the surface of adoption and everything involved with it including the widespread corruption.

This will be the beginning of a series of blog posts on adoption I’ve decided to include on my blog.  So, I am going to start at my beginning with my story.  It is only fair to give you my perspective to further your understanding of where I am coming from.

I am an adoptee.  My parents adopted me as an infant.  I have a younger brother who is also an adoptee (different birth family – whom he has found).   My parents are awesome, wonderful people.  I grew up in a wonderful home in a very comfortable life.  I had the opportunity to go on vacations and college and so forth.  I took years of music lessons (piano and flute) – grew up in a great school district, made great lifelong friends and so on.

However, there was something about my experience that just was not complete – and still is not.  I always felt like an alien from another planet.  I have found that many adoptees experience this feeling.  There is nothing that adoptive families do wrong – this is something engrained from the experience of being separated from birth families.  The event of separation registered in the subconscious.

I soon learned to become a “well-adjusted” adoptee and live my life in spite of this “alien” experience.

I decided with the support of my parents to try to find my birth family.  I started with traditional channels – the adoption agency.  They gave me a summary sheet with brief and vague info of my family.  For 15 years – every 5 years I checked back to see if there was anything new from my birth mother.  I received a total of 3 summary sheets from the agency – all with differing information including physical description, where she was from, and how old she was when she had me.

I discovered that the state of Texas Family Code gives adult adoptees the right to examine their files with the agency they were placed through – with last names, addresses, and phone numbers blacked out.  This is called “redacted” info.  This is also the only sure way to get non-conflicting information or mistakes due to interpretation by social worker completing the info summary sheets that the agency would rather give you.  Unless of course, the entire file is a lie – which happens more often than you might think.

The agency I was placed through was called Christian Haven when I was placed.  It is now known as High Plains Children’s Home.  This agency has refused me access to this file or redacted info.  They have refused to correct the differing info on my summary sheets and now refuse to even give out summary information because it might “enable a search.”  I am sorry, but that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!  You are responsible to state code and law.

So, when I learned that the agency had not registered me with the Voluntary Adoption Registry with the State of Texas (as they told me they had 8 years ago) – I registered with the state directly.  I have also asked the state to get involved to try to get the info that I am legally entitled to and being refused by the agency.  The agency is no longer involved in infant adoptions; but has other programs for children and receives money from the state for those.  So, they are still considered an “operating agency” and have not had to surrender the adoption files to the state.  If they were forced to do that, then I would have access to the redacted info.

After all the research and interviews I’ve done in the last 15-20 years that touch adoption in one way or another, it is my belief that the adoption agencies are not motivated by the sweet, feel good story that I began my blog post with that is the general concept of adoption that people believe.  I believe that adoption agencies including HPCH started out with ideal, good intentions.  But along the way once National Council for Adoption and money got involved, the agendas and motivations of the adoption industry changed.  The adoption industry is aware of mistakes they have made and things they started out believing that we now know are not true.  But they are unwilling to do anything about it including acknowledging it.  They are motivated by loss of credibility when their lies and cover-ups and corruption are all exposed.  Many of them claim “non-profit” status and feel that they will lose money when this is all exposed – which is the underlying motivator for everything done in the adoption industry today.

I tell everyone when I tell my story if they are donors to HPCH, they may want to re-think about where their money goes.  HPCH is not consistent in its practices.  They have told me they don’t do things like forward letters to birth mothers from adoptees – when I personally know adoptees also placed through HPCH that they have done this for.  They have also outright lied to adoptive families and birth mothers.  My family was told that my brother’s birth mother was from Louisiana.  She was told that he was placed with a family in Odessa.  Turns out – we’ve never lived more than hour away from his entire birth family (birth mom & dad families).  My parents were told when they adopted me that children are affected more by environment and nurturing than nature (dna/genetics).  The adoption industry never dreamed that a child might grow up and wonder where they come from.  And still today, the industry (and others who don’t understand it) tries to condemn adoptees like me for wondering such “nonsense” and just be grateful for the life they’ve had.  Well, excuse me – but I can be both grateful for my life AND be curious about where I come from.  HPCH has refused to help me but the director has told my parents that he is helping me and for me to be patient – that was back in October.  He has never told me he is helping me.  I believe he is financially motivated to tell my family that he is helping because I believe his relationship to my parents is purely financially motivated and nothing more.  So, of course he wants them to think he is helping me.

This intense desire to find my family only intensified when I had children and started experiencing serious health issues.  Most judges won’t open sealed records in adoption unless you are lying on your deathbed.  So, that is a dead end.  No pun intended.  I am considering hiring an attorney to help me get a judge to order HPCH to release the redacted file to me if the state is unsuccessful. My kids look like me.  I wonder how much I look like my birth mom or dad. I also don’t have any history to give them to help them on their way – medical, social, physical, etc.

As I’ve conducted interviews with families in reunion it becomes evident quickly that our DNA holds a lot more than we have even begun to realize – personality traits, core beliefs, talents, interests, etc.  I would call these threads that give us security, anchors, and connection to others (family, etc.) on the planet.  Many times we find our friends, mates, etc. due to common interests, etc.  This is a natural process.  Adoption severely interferes and causes great disconnect in this natural process.

This produces challenges instantly for an adoptee.  As with anything else in life, challenges can be met and overcome… So, it’s not to be used a crutch.  However, the industry is now aware of these issues and refuses to do anything to help correct something they once put wrong.  They also move to block any efforts to correct it any opportunity whether blocking an adoptee from their information or any legislative efforts to open records.

My next adoption-related post will contain my information for my search.  Maybe someone will happen across my post and know who my family is!  I have another story – as a birth mother – to add to this.  Also, I have touched on issues in this preliminary post that I will go more in depth into in future posts.

I have a February Guest Spot for Creations by Rachael.  So, I’m playing catch up on digi-scrapping this weekend.  I thought I would go ahead and start posting layouts as I get them done.

Rachael has a new kit hitting stores soon – I am not finding it anywhere right now – so when I do – hopefully I’ll remember to come back and post a direct link to the kit.  This kit is awesome.  It’s called Urban Chic.  I have had fun working with it!

My Mover & Shaker

Here is a preview to Urban Chic!

Urban Chic - Coming Soon!

Rachael’s Stores:

Plucky Pear Designs

Gotta Pixel

Rachael’s Blog

Rachael’s Guest Designer Spot for February: Enchanted Studio Scraps

I have struggled a lot lately with my personal role as Daughter of the King and my status as a Princess as a result of that family membership.  The princess struggle for me is not new, however.  The princess stories were never among my favorite as a child.  I was never ever really girly – except I did occasionally play with dolls or barbies.  It’s not that I was a tomboy really – though I’ve always much preferred to play with boys.  (They just never cared to play with me except the occasional snow ball fight or game of four square at recess – or if they needed someone to beat in basketball or at chess.)  I spent a great deal of my time as a child in my own head.  If you know me, you can guess how dangerous my playtime could be – lol!

I didn’t need tangible playthings or stories about princesses to fill my time.  I constructed would-be real life scenarios in my head – my dreams where in my future I was making a difference in some way or another.  Sometimes on pretty grand scales – which really, is not my style.  I don’t know where that came from.  But most of them time, it was in powerful yet simple ways.  One of which predominantly played a part was that somehow I would manifest a healing touch.  This was so way out of my context, I probably felt like it was more of fantasy than a dream that could ever become a reality.  It may also be a reason for wanting to become a doctor in my youth until I learned how much science I would have to take.  Once I hit Mr. Rush’s chemistry class, I knew that dream was done and gone.

The challenge was presented to me this week to think about the story of Cinderella.  Most all of us probably know the story.  We often ask where our fairy godmother is when we need her?  In fact, I have a mug that asks that very question!  Many relate to the story of Cinderella because we feel the connection to her – living with the struggles that her step mother and step sisters represent – that scream the ever-present reminder that life just isn’t fair.  But by some mistake or coincidence, Cinderella finds her way to the ball.  The one never expected to ever even belong at such a gala – and certainly not the one to capture a young prince’s heart.

And as most stories of these types go, she lives happily ever after.  Another cynic like myself make the observation, “Yeah, but they don’t tell you what happened 6 months later…” I chimed in, “When PMS sets in!”  And the cynic continued, “Yep, when Cinderella is a bitch!”

Or maybe it’s just plain sad.  6 months later, Cinderella still just doesn’t believe that she is worthy of her new princess status.  It turns out she has believed all the lies that her step family told her.  The princess still sees herself on hands and knees scrubbing the floors and doing other household chores instead of accepting that her status has changed.

My status has changed.  And changed again.  And again. And again.  Once my God.  The rest by me.  In my context today, when I think about a “changed status” I immediately think of Facebook where you can give “status updates” as many times as you want to annoy friends in their news feeds with your update of eating breakfast, craving a drink from Sonic, menial household chores, etc.  (Yes, I among the annoying though I do try to make my status’ a bit more exciting from time to time when something in life inspires me to.)

God changed my status – elevated me to “Daughter of the King.”  Not “a king” – THE KING!  God Almighty Himself! But I have never felt worthy and therefore truly accepted such a status.

Not for lack of trying.

But instead of gazing into the amazing looking glass that stares back at me with the clear beautiful view God has of me; I gaze into something akin to drainage water running in a gutter.  The gunk of mud and muck and germs and waste that God’s rain is washing away.  Probably because I have my eyes on my feet instead of my Lord.  And then I am swept away  – I get lost in this gutter – Satan having tricked me into believing that this is my true mirror – not the one that God has set out for me.  I see my mud and muck and waste that has been my life instead of seeing the beauty that is my potential.

I continue to pay high prices for some mistakes I’ve made in my life.  Crisis pregnancy at age 21 that ended in the ultimate surrender of my newborn son for adoption.  The day I left the hospital without him was the day I stopped believing in happy endings.  In the last year, I have had the amazing opportunity to meet my son and get to know a little bit about his life and his amazing family – God was so good to take care of him when I could not.  This journey has also presented other complications surrounding it that I never really foresaw or was prepared to deal with – effectively, adequately, etc.  So, it continues to be a journey – much easier that time has gone by and healed wounds, helped me mature at least to some degree, and have me at a place where I am better able to handle everything involved.

I have a divorce in my history – something I thought I would never have.  Even when it was the right/best thing to do – it still a scar that I know will never heal and will forever be apart of my life.

I am in second marriage now – been married for 8 years.  6 months into our marriage we experienced extreme loss and grief and we were unable to handle it or absorb it into our lives in healthy ways.  I won’t spend my time pointing at all the ways I was failed by my husband during that time but rather focus on how I failed – and it included an affair.  Yet one more piece of baggage  in my history that neither my husband nor I have been fully equipped to deal with effectively or in healthy ways.

And I find myself at a time in my life now where I am weary.  It is evident now that my marriage will probably never overcome the mistakes that I have made.  The affair is just too big, too deep of hurt for us to get past.  I am truly scared of what my future holds.  Kevin tells me that he will honor his commitment, wants to stand by the kids, etc.  But his words to me this week cut me to the core when he told me when he is tempted to leave he thinks that he is  “used to me and my habits” – why would he want to start over with someone else now?  Yet he also doesn’t want to be stuck in a passionless, miserable marriage – and neither do I.  So where do we go from here?  I don’t have an answer.  I haven’t had an answer for some time.  We keep ending up back at this same place… I’m weary.  We are both weary.  Both hurt.

Tonight I wondered what habits… Does he think my affair is a habit?

I am experiencing an overwhelming feeling of disconnect right now.  I own feelings from being swept away in the gutter about myself that I can’t just make go away:  undesirable, unwanted, completely disregarded, not needed, a failure, a disappointment, without direction, ugly, forgettable, anger, resentment, grief, loneliness, invisible except for maybe the big Scarlet Letter I carry across my chest; the list goes on.  I’ve dealt with depression before – and this is not depression.  This is distorted reflection of lies that Satan would have me believe.  This is what happens when I gaze at my feet too long and am drawn in by the murky waters that are washing away in a steady stream all of the things I listed above and more.

I should instead be focusing on God’s mirror and see – and believe – the image looking back at me- the one with all of that negative energy and emotion having been washed away.

What a fool I can be!  God gave me this amazing fairy tale dream come true – a role to play in His great Story!  He wrote me a Scarlet Letter – in his blood – His promise of hope and eternal life and grace and forgiveness… An amazing outpouring of gifts just for me.  What a coincidence! That is my love language!  How did he know?

And what do I do?  Dance in the gutter in all of the “Stuff” that He is washing away & get totally swept away and immersed in.  I will fail.  I will lose a battle or two or three or a hundred.  But the war is already won while I am focusing on my failures.  If I continue to do so, I will fail to get even a glimpse in God’s mirror of the amazing woman He believes me to be.

God give me that glimpse.  Help me find the strength and the wisdom and the courage to find my way back to “connected.” With home.  With people.  With You.

(As soon as I can find my way clear of this murkiness, I hope to be back on paths of dreams, designs, and so on.  Please stay tuned!)

Creative Dreamer 2010

Today I am giving myself permission to just post the list in response to the ABC Creativity blog and nothing more.  No further commentary… No digital layout… Just the list.

I know this surprises you… A week of back pain and lack of sleep has drained me – and when I’m tired – I’m pretty much spent.  My first achievement on the list should be that I actually got the list done and posted on my blog today! 

So… you know what to do… Click the “Read More” on the right there to see the list!

Read more…