I also have another side in the adoption triad.  I have discussed issues specific for be as an adoptee; in addition to being an adoptee, I am also a birth mother.  I won’t share my entire story here.  If you’d like to know it, feel free to contact me through Facebook or leave a comment and I’ll be happy to tell you more.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about my experience and things I’ve come to realize since that time.  (My story is actually in Post #2 Tonight)

Many times you will encounter three types of birth mothers.  Victims of Society, Happy Happy Joy Joy in their own Society, and the Secret Society.  Before you read on, I need you to understand this something before you jump off at any point and start trying to leave horrible comments or shoot me emails or whatever.  You need to read ALL THE WAY through before just stopping and make assumptions about what I’ve said or think about any particular group of people.  There is a reason that I’m leaving my own story until the end to share.  I will bring this all together when you stay tuned for the rest of the story.  These are observations – not judgments.

Victims of Society

The most common birth mother you will encounter that you are aware of will have mostly negative things to say about the experience.  I refer to this category as Victims.  They are “victims” in the circumstances that led to their crisis pregnancy; often many were “victims” of the Baby Scoop Era (before Roe Vs. Wade); they are “victims” of the adoption industry; they are “victims” in today’s society because of the rights they feel they are being denied to them and so on.

The most recent thing I’ve discovered about this group:  Many are even offended by the term “birth mother.”  They’ve gone as far as to create other terms like “first mother” and so on… I find the “first mother” term offensive personally just because it makes birth mothers look “defensive” as if they are trying to vie for their position or something.  And I don’t wish that sort of view by outsiders to reflect on me as a birth mother.  In the adoption triad – there are two moms.  The industry in referring to the two different moms came up with the terms to differentiate between the two – and nothing more.  I’m sure both birth mothers and adoptive mothers feel the same in this.  They are just “mom.”  I personally think that the term “mom” or “mother” is a title that is earned not demanded.  And most people only casually aware of adoption in society don’t even realize this term can be so offensive.  I witnessed this just recently.  A well-meaning woman actually praised birth mothers for their sacrifice and she was nearly crucified for her remark because she used the term “birth mother.”  I cried when I read the thread.  It was the saddest, most pathetic exchange of accusations and defensiveness I’ve ever witnessed.  I tried to make a comment in the thread to defend the naivety of the original post and point out she was saying something positive to encourage and how exchanges like this hurt the cause of open records etc because legislatures see this sort of thing in the open records fight from broken victims that they see more in need of extensive therapy than open records.  So, I cautioned at finding a better way of “educating” others about how that might be considered an offensive term without attacking them.  This comment resulted in a deluge of private messages sent to my Facebook inbox trying to sway me into the way of thinking that the term “birth mother” is offensive or how could I even defend anyone using that term or not even be bothered by it myself.  Now that I didn’t mind because I learned a long time ago the power of “delete.”  The fact is that I am a birth mother in a triad where one gave birth/life and another one gave nurturing, home, investment, etc.  I am honored to have made the choice to give life and give birth to my son.  That is my initial role in his life.  I hope that at some point that we will be able to develop something more so that is not the only role I play in his life.  However, I also humbly give honor and respect and much love to his parents for their roles in his life.

Birthmothers in this first category also have come to realize that the system lied to them; and they continue to harbor anger and bitterness as a result that they carry with them throughout their lives.  The anger and bitterness nearly serve as badges they wear proudly as their God-given right to.  And woe be to the one that tells them otherwise.  The adoption industry is the enemy.  Rarely are their exceptions. Even adoptive parents are the enemy.  The birth mothers in this category will reason that if God meant for those parents to be parents, they would be able to have their own children not “steal” or “buy” someone else’s child.  As I’ve gone further and further into becoming more active in trying to get change to come to the adoption industry – the more and more stories I hear and the types of people I find.

I am one of the first to speak up and say that feelings are not wrong.  How you respond to them and how you choose to act on them can be wrong… But feelings are not wrong.  The birth mothers in this group in their collective “victim” experience are powerfully motivated to bring about change in a broken system that we know as the adoption industry.  They know that the fight is hard and up against one of the most powerful lobbying organizations in the USA today, The National Council for Adoption.  They people they have to influence to bring about change are politicians – often whom are adoptive parents through some of the biggest anti-adoption reform agencies in the country.  Politicians who don’t understand the plight of birth mothers or adoptees for that matter and who continue to look for legal, political, positive aspects of why opening adoption records would be good for the constituents and many groups no matter how motivated fail to do this because of those badges of anger, bitterness, and defensiveness associated with being a victim that I mentioned and the emotion and feelings that get in the way of this cause.

Bringing about adoption reform is something I am interested in.  I have been trying to learn what has failed as opposed to what has worked in the past as I follow the fight from state to state.  I recently had the opportunity to spend a great deal of time on the phone with someone who was leading this fight in another state.  I pretty much knew what I needed to know in 5 minutes but the phone call took over an hour.  She was the most harsh, abrupt, rude, angry, bitter, defensive people I’ve ever encountered in my life.  I wonder if this group had someone else more balanced with a recent reality check on how to deal with and influence people and politicians if they’d had better luck because they had great strategies.  But I think what ended happening with this group is what I see happening with most other groups fighting for reform and open records from state to state.  They are groups of activists with great reason to want reform that go in demanding their rights as adoptees, birth mothers, etc. with little regard or respect for the others involved whose rights will be trampled in the process.  Something I do not agree with.  The big issue in question in forums today is the right to confidentiality as opposed to the right of privacy – two separate issues though they sound like the same thing.  An example:  So groups of adoptees are fighting for legislation that will give them full access to their history including identifying information of birth parents; however the legislation specifies that the birth families have a right to privacy – meaning the right to refuse contact / relationship or not be bothered though they may be unwillingly asked/forced to comply with a mandate to share their social, medical history, the adoptee’s story, etc.  And the reverse applies – a birth family can seek information on the adoptee – and can be granted the information but still can be refused contact/relationship.  Tennessee has this legislation in place – a little to the extreme though.  Automatically restraining orders are placed on adoptees until the birth parent files paperwork to have the order removed.  All the adoptee was guilty of was being born/adopted and requesting more information.  (Talk about offensive!)  The adoptee also has to sign a very lengthy contract written in legalese to start that process in getting the information.  I know this story from an adoptee – so I’m assuming the reverse is probably true as well should a birth family wish to find the adoptee.  But I don’t know – so don’t quote me on that.

Tennessee’s laws regarding legal access to adoptees/birth families seems a little extreme on the surface.  However, if you’ve met and spent time talking to, interviewing, and in discussion with many of the people involved in this victims group – you quickly understand why Tennessee felt it necessary to put these procedures into place.  There are many people in this group that come across as people who would not respect or accept the other’s refusal of relationship/contact.  They very well may be willing to cooperate – but they do not come across that way.  And that is what ends and loses the battles in state legislatures.  The path to seeking justice and one’s rights at the expense of another is a very vicarious journey not to be taken or trampled lightly.

The Happy Happy Joy Joy Group

These people can be a refreshing drink of water while navigating the varying landscapes of those involved in adoption.  This particular group of birth mothers has a very differing experience of being birth moms, their views on adoptions, etc.  What I find about this group is that they are most often younger in their experience; have not yet gone on to marriage and having kids to raise of their own; and are involved in open adoptions.  And many make it their mission to share the positive joys they have in their experience.  This is good and needed so people can see there are other experiences.  But as I’ve also recently witnessed in this particular group recently – they have their own drama and issues and they are the same as the first group I discussed above in this:  They think that the other groups and opinions are wrong – and that there must seriously be something wrong with someone if they have a bad experience as a birth mom, etc.  They get angry when anything negative is said about adoption.  And they are just as defensive.

I wonder if they will feel the same way when they find out through personal experience that when an adoptive family has had enough or changes their mind and decides to move away and refuse further contact or access to the child to the birth mother – leaving no forwarding address or phone number or anything… When the birth mother finds out that the laws always side with the adoptive family… That when those relinquishment papers are signed – she still has no rights no matter what the “arrangement” is with the adoption… If she will still have the happy, happy, joy, joy feelings about adoption.

Adoptive families can be in this group to – the ones involved in open adoption.  I wonder when they have to deal with their child experiencing rejection and abandonment issues over and over because the birth mother is not consistent or committed and comes and goes as she pleases and even disappears for months/years at a time if they will still feel the same happy, happy, joy, joy feelings?

Both of those arrangements above happen on a daily basis – and yet all you hear from this group of birth mothers, etc is that open adoption is the cure!  Hmmm… Just an observation … But in order for that to work best for the child – who is the innocent party in all of this here – wouldn’t that require a life long commitment from the birth mother?  If I could have given a life long commitment,  I would have kept my son. But again, this is just me – and I’ll share my story here after I share info on the 3^rd group of birth mothers.

Oh, and you won’t find this group fighting for adoption reform.  They are happy with how it is now.

The Secret Society

A majority of this group falls into the category that my own birth mother falls into – what is known in the industry as the Baby Scoop Era – the era before Roe Vs. Wade when abortions became legal.  These are the ones who have kept their secret even until today.  They “went away “to have their babies, in a time when the industry just did not know what to do with or how to treat birth mothers.  They were often denied the opportunity to even hold their babies or see them.  They were given dangerous drugs that robbed them of their memory and later caused health problems they may not even realize are attributed to drugs they were given during that time.  They were threatened not to ever look for their children or they would spend their lives in prison – often accompanied by descriptive accounts of what life in prison would be like.  Many were forced into slavery to help “earn their keep” with the places they were staying.  They were only allowed certain portions of food.  I heard an interesting comment the other day from a woman who said she still often finds herself thinking about oranges – when she eats and orange and wanting another one – she still has programming in her brain that tells her she already had an orange and can’t have any more… Then she’ll snap out of it and eat all the oranges she wants to.  It’s interesting to hear what these women carry with them even 40+ years later.

The Secret Society of birth mothers you may encounter but you won’t know it.  They have kept their secret.  Chances are they never got counseling or help and have lived their lives in shame and in fear that the secret would ever come out.  Many still don’t realize that they can search and find an adoptee that is more than likely looking for them.  They don’t realize that they can be freed from all that they carry from keeping the secret – if they could find a safe avenue to reveal the secret to their families and bring healing.

This group is not aware of voluntary state registries where they can register to see if their child is looking for them.  They haven’t explored the forums online to register to search there.  They aren’t aware of the legislation being pushed in states to open records that might facilitate uninvited guests into their lives with the potential to completely disrupt them.

This group is not involved in adoption reform or opening adoption records.  Most are completely unaware of it; and if they are, they are hiding in fear.  So, they have no voice.  To do so, they would have to reveal their secret.  So they hide in fear in their secret society so secret – they don’t even know each other.

UPDATE:

Somehow, the rest of my post did not get pasted here.  So I definitely have a big oops here!  These are the three groups you find of birth mothers who have not had healing over the trauma that surrendering a child brings into one’s life.  If they haven’t had healing come from whatever source – faith, therapy, reunion, etc – then they will often fall into one of these categories.  Hopefully, more and more birth mothers are finding ways to bring healing.  Once they do that, you will find someone with more balance:  maybe some victim residual (and rightfully so); hopefully some positive views emerge about adoption in spite of the vast need for reform.  And hopefully they will turn all the negative energy they’ve harbored for so long into something positive to bring about healing and adoption reform just by sharing their story and encouraging others in their own journey.